When Old Pain Speaks Louder Than Present Truth

***I do not usually share the more personal aspects of my marriage or family dynamics on public platforms, but in a time where inner healing is so deeply needed in the Body of Christ, I believe our honesty can become an invitation for others to take their own step of faith toward healing and wholeness.

My hope is that by sharing what the Lord recently walked me through, it may help those who have learned to put up a good front while still carrying hidden places where Jesus wants to minister, heal, and restore.

No matter how grown, mature, or “arrived” we may think we are, and no matter the title we carry or the position we hold — whether inside the church or outside of it — we are never beyond the tender work of God ministering to the hidden places within us. His heart is for us to walk healed and whole, so His love can flow through us more freely, without old wounds shaping the way we see, respond, or love others along the way.***

I recently had an experience where something my husband and another loved one innocently did triggered a much bigger emotional response in me than the situation actually called for.

Looking back, I know my husband’s heart was never to hurt me. There was no wrong motive, no rejection, and no lack of love. My marriage today is loving, healthy, safe, and rooted in Christ, but because of pain from a past abusive marriage, something in me reacted through an old wound instead of the truth of what was actually happening.

I had outpatient testing scheduled at a hospital about 50 minutes away. My husband had already taken off work the week before for testing, which then led the doctors to request more testing only six days later. Because he runs his own business, he wasn’t able to take off again so soon, so without realizing how it would affect me, he made arrangements for my niece to take me before talking with me about it first.

On the surface, that was completely reasonable and even thoughtful. But something in me felt "passed off, and alone," like I was someone else’s responsibility.

My emotional response was much bigger than the moment itself.

At first, I did not respond well. I became emotional, angry, and accusatory. But in the middle of my reaction, the Lord stopped me. I began to weep under deep conviction, and I knew, “This is not who I am.”  

I repented to them, and I repented to God.

Then I felt the Lord impress on my heart, “This is not who you are, but you need to get to the root of the trigger.”

So I brought it before Him and asked why it had affected me so deeply. Almost immediately, the Lord brought up a long-buried memory from a very painful season in my life.

Years ago, in a former abusive marriage, I walked through a traumatic loss. I had become pregnant, experienced complications, and later lost the baby. My then-husband took me to the hospital, but while I was under, he left. When I woke up in recovery, I was alone — waiting for someone to show up for me.

That moment marked me more deeply than I realized.

I felt abandoned, unloved, uncovered, and left to carry grief by myself during one of the most painful moments of my life. I had buried that memory for years, not realizing how much it had shaped a hidden lens in me.

So when my husband could not take me to the hospital himself, even though his reason was valid and his heart was loving, that old wound interpreted the moment through abandonment.

I wasn’t fully reacting to my husband. I was reacting through a fractured place in my soul that still needed the healing truth of Jesus.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.

I also realize now that the feeling of being “passed off” was being intensified by fear and anxiety the enemy was trying to put on me.

Because that old wound had not yet been fully healed, it became a vulnerable place where fear could speak louder than truth.

But as Holy Spirit brought the root to the surface, I was able to recognize what was really happening.

I was not abandoned. I was not unloved. I was not being left to carry something alone.

That was the voice of an old wound, amplified by fear and not the truth of God over my life.

The Lord walked me through repentance, renunciation, forgiveness, and receiving His truth.

I repented for partnering with accusation, fear, self-protection, and the lie of abandonment. I renounced the belief that I am alone, unloved, uncovered, or left to carry pain by myself. I forgave where forgiveness was needed and received the truth that I am loved, covered, seen, and not abandoned.

The Lord also reminded me that my husband is not my past. That this marriage is not that marriage. That the person standing in front of me now is not the person who wounded me then.

I began to feel an overwhelming sense of God’s love come over me and I wept. God is so kind. He's a good good Father. He does not reveal these things to shame us. He reveals them to heal us.

Healing is not always one and done. Sometimes the Lord brings something to the surface because He is inviting us into deeper freedom.

So yes, triggers are real. Soul wounds are real. Buried memories and old agreements are real. But healing, restoration, and breakthrough in Christ are real too.

The End Result: Looking Back Through God’s Lens

I also want to share another layer of God’s kindness in this process.

After walking through several medical tests and waiting for answers, all of the testing connected to the diagnosis came back benign. Read that again! I do not take that lightly.

As I look back, I believe the Lord was doing something much deeper in me than I realized. He was not only bringing healing to my physical body, but also exposing old wounds in my heart that still needed His truth, His love, and His perspective.

When that buried place of abandonment came to the surface, I had a choice. I could ignore it, defend it, or explain it away, ...or I could allow Holy Spirit to take me to the root.

By God’s grace, I chose to let Him walk me through it.

He led me through repentance, renunciation, forgiveness, and receiving His truth where old pain had once spoken louder than His love.

I believe that as I allowed the Lord into that fractured place, something began to come back into alignment, heart, soul, mind, and body. I was able to receive His love in a deeper way and see the situation through His lens of healing, wholeness, and truth.

So when the test results came back benign, I received it as yet another testimony of His mercy and faithfulness.

God is not only concerned with one part of us. He is the Healer of the whole person.

He heals the heart, restores the soul,  renews the mind, and strengthens and heals the body.

Proverbs 4:23

Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.

There are so many layers to this story, but one of the most beautiful is how God used this moment not only to heal an old wound in me, and my physical body, but also to bring my relationship with my husband into an even deeper, more precious, and holy place.

When the incident happened, he did not respond negatively. He did not raise his voice. He did not accuse me or respond harshly. Other than a gentle apology, he remained quiet and gracious. I believe Holy Spirit had shown him that what was happening was not simply me lashing out at him — it was something much deeper coming to the surface.

In fact, after it all happened, and I kept apologizing to him over and over again that night, he gently said,

“Angelbaby, you don’t have to keep apologizing. I’m here to take the brunt of all those times you were on the receiving end of abuse and harsh treatment, when you couldn’t use your voice. Now that you’re safe with me, if this is what it takes to get it out, then so be it.”

That's love. Pure and unadulterated!

Stefanee, my niece, took me to the hospital the next day. She was caring, understanding, and very attentive to the seriousness of the procedure, while also keeping me calm and entertained with her humor. She is incredibly funny, with impeccable timing, and her laughter and ability to find lighthearted humor in serious situations became such a gift to me that day.

I felt loved all around.

In many ways, she has become like the daughter I never had, which made her tenderness in that moment even more precious to me.

Once the Lord walked me through the process of being healed and delivered from those old wounds and the lie of abandonment, we were all brought into such a beautiful and healthy place. By the next evening, we were even able to talk and laugh about it together.

Here's the thing...

They did not judge me.

They extended grace and mercy where I could have very easily received something quite different.

They saw me through the lens of the Father and loved me through it.

That, too, is part of the testimony.

God not only healed an old wound in me; He used the love, patience, and mercy of those closest to me to bring even deeper restoration.

And isn’t that such a beautiful revelation of how God created family to walk with one another?

The reality is, we were never meant to walk this life alone. We were created to speak into one another’s lives, to cover one another in love, and to lift each other up when one of us is weak.

There is profound healing in that kind of love — the kind that stays, covers, sharpens, strengthens, and reminds us who we are when we momentarily forget.

We are made to run together.
Iron sharpening iron.
Love covering a multitude.
Grace making room for healing.

The very place where I had once felt abandoned became the place where God showed me I was safe, seen, covered, and deeply loved.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. [14] And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. [15] Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Colossians 3:13-15

1 Peter 4:8

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

Jeremiah 30:17

‘For I will restore you to health And I will heal you of your wounds,’ declares the Lord, ‘Because they have called you an outcast, saying: “It is Zion; no one cares for her.”’

-Cynthia💛